Vanessa Lynn May

June  24th, 1953 December  5th, 2024
Croydon, Surrey
Vanessa Lynn May

I believe that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise."  - Margaret Atwood

Obituary

Vanessa May was a beloved friend, mother, sister, aunt and 'nessa' (to her grandchildren).  She touched the lives of so many over her too short time in 'this universe.'  She will be remembered for so many reasons.  Her intellect, empathy, sense of fun and unerring determination to have a life well lived despite many obstacles were inspirations to so many who knew her.  She was born in Centralia, Illinois on 24 June 1953, to Bob and Betty May, the second of four children (siblings Linda, Jim and Ricky).  She was always proud to tell people she met how many US states she had lived in and the much greater number she had travelled through.  At age 18 she married Michael Hogue, and soon after gave birth to her only child - a daughter, Kara Leigh.  She made the most of being a young woman in California in the 1970s, seeing iconic bands, partying with celebrities, and later becoming a bartender who served in such eclectic costumes as Carmen Miranda, Snow Queen and Wicked Wanda.  In late 1986 she moved across the country from California to Florida, where her first cancer hit.  Recovery was long, but during that time she found a new love - computers and data.    Using these skills, she was able to orchestrate a move to the United Kingdom in late 2005 to join her daughter Kara and her family - most specifically, her newly arrived first grandchild, Sophia Caroline.  She built a career in the UK which culminated in her role as lead data architect for Royal Mail - and amazing achievement for a mature, purple haired lady in a wheelchair!  Outside of work, she became an integral part of the science fiction fandom community in the UK, serving on multiple committees and even in the role of chair for major conventions, including multiple WorldCons.  She had so many other loves and hobbies - lego (of every size, shape and complexity), purple (epitomised in her luscious locks), butterflies (after her name), cooking (but never baking!).  She never let her ambitions for fun and adventure be dented by the wheelchair she used. She travelled extensively across Europe with her daughter and visiting relatives and friends, loved the latest music and was always up for a concert to hear it live - including two sojourns to Glastonbury.  As a person, she was empathetic, funny, intelligent and with her friends and family she was generous to a fault - happy to give of whatever she had to make someone else's life better.  She was a beloved sibling to her surviving sister Linda and brother Jim, and both aunt and friend to her niece and nephews, Julie, Jimmy, Jeremy and Justin, Most of all she was a deeply loved mother - a combination of mother, big sister, and best friend to her daughter Kara - and a truly cherished 'nessa' (never a simple 'grandmother') to her two granddaughters Sophia and Alexandra (and her 'fur baby' grandchildren, Harley and Orla), and a much admired MIL to her son in law Michael.  She was unique - irrepressible and irreplaceable - and she will be so very, very missed by so many.  May your next universe be more kind, Vanessa Lynn - and I hope they know what's coming for them!

Gallery


Memory wall

Post your condolences or share your Memories.


January 16, 2025
I want to send my heartfelt thanks to all those who were able to attend my Mom's funeral either in person or by livestream. It was a beautiful day - the sun even shone for us over the meadow where she was interred in her purple wicker casket. We aimed for a service that was uniquely hers - and I hope that we achieved that. There was plenty of smiles, laughter - and of course a few tears. But most importantly, there was a lot of purple and plenty of great music. She went out as she lived. Fly free Mom, I miss you every minute of every day.
Kara Cauter
January 10, 2025
I think I met Vanessa in 2014 at Loncon, when I had just moved from Finland to London, but it was working for Worldcon 75 (in Hesinki in 2017), which really made us friends. We would sit in Croydon's Boxpark, eating cronuts or having coffee, and my son would play with Vanessa's Apple watch's face and admire her wheels. Vanessa was one of the biggest reasons why moving back to Finland in 2018 was really hard for me. When I handed in my MA Dissertation (it had to be done in person in London), Vanessa was kind enough to offer me her spare room for my stay. When I arrived, we sat down and suddenly 4 hours had passed while we chatted! The next day we celebrated by having dinner and drinks, and it was amazing.

Last summer I did a pretty last-minute trip to London to see a musical. The only person I told I was coming and met during my weekend-long stay was Vanessa. We had dinner and talked, and it was like no time had passed. It was such a lovely evening and we were talking how my family needs to visit London, to see the places we used to live in, and how we'd need to see if my son (now 9) is still fascinated by Vanessa's wheels. We'll do that trip one day and I'll talk to my son about Vanessa, but next time I'll be in London I'm sure to visit Boxpark, if it's still there then.

Vanessa, I'm going to miss you so much! Thank you for all the laughs and the other wonderful memories!
Karo Leikomaa
January 10, 2025
It is hard to believe that somebody so spiky, so steely, and so determined is no longer with us.

Vanessa, I wish your afterlife free of pain, but full of places to go, people to gossip with, and bottles of Grand Marnier stashed about you. You will be so missed, my friend
Fionna O'Sullivan
January 10, 2025
I am very grateful for meeting you,lovely lady!Thank you for putting faith and confidence in my life and specially in my decisions ,thank you for your kind advices and for carrying about my work.R.I.P. Vanessa!🙏🏻🖤
Mirela Munteanu
January 10, 2025
I worked with Vanessa in 2023, unique is an apt description. Glad to have the opportunity to spend time with her at the 2023 and 2024 Edinburgh festival. Sad not to have the opportunity to get to know her better but in the short time I knew her I considered her a good friend.

"Friendship is the wine of life" - Robert Burns.
Jim Copeland
January 9, 2025
My convention history wizard, my fellow Lego minifig aficionado, my co-conspirator in Access issues, my friend. My happiest convention memories tend to involve getting up to some mischief with Vanessa.
It'll be far too quiet without you at the next con, but I promise to cause a little bit of good trouble in your memory.
Carol Connolly
January 9, 2025
I so admired Vanessa's spirit and sense of fun. Probably the first time we met was on the dance floor at Michael and Kara's wedding. She gave me that look - and we had a ball!
Richard Lee
January 8, 2025
Vanessa and met in 2005 at AIG Direct. We partied together as many of us did, but really our story began after AIG when on hearing that she was in hospital and finding the food rather drab I took her a picnic correctly presented in a wicker hamper (Gammon and stilton with freshly baked bread). After that I cooked for her a couple of times, once while flambe-ing some mushrooms the flames torched a moth out of her lampshade which was far funnier than it reads back now.

Vanessa's greatest impact on my life came in 2012. I had only recently beaten homelessness, and was recovering from a psychotic break; she helped me rejoin the human race. Ever after the first thought which came to mind on hearing about or mentioning Lady V was "She was there for the fight back" few were. Even then helping me get past that she wasn't done, by 2014 my legs had given up on me, and the only peson I knew who had experienced the level of pain I was experiencing was V, she taught me the priceless lesson of "surfing out the pain" which makes perfect sense if you find yourself in that spot.

Lady V was that friend who was somehow always there at critical moments, I like to hope that in some ways it was a mutually experienced feature to our friendship. Miss you always
Seb Kent
January 7, 2025
I will really miss my time with Ness! Especially our trips to Paris together! I traveled to England several times over the years to visit Ness,, The very first thing she asked me when I told her of my confirmed travel dates was “What dates should I book for Paris?”. We both loved Paris and spent a few days there every time I visited! Our most recent trip was in July 2023. I’ll always remember watching fireworks explode over the Eiffel Tower on Bastille Day with Ness! I’m going to miss you Ness! Love you!
James May
January 6, 2025
So long Vanessa, you burned brightly and lit up the lives of those lucky enough to know you. I'll miss your fun personality and sharp wit, and of course your SQL programming tips! I'll be thinking of you next time I'm harvesting apples.
I wish you well on your continuing journey and thanks for being a friend.
Dave Poynter
January 4, 2025
I worked with Vanessa on Access at LonCon. She really saved us. The work was overwhelming. I couldn't have done it without her stepping in.

Thank you, Vanessa. If there is an afterlife, may you be surrounded by all that makes you happy.
Lenore Jean Jones
January 4, 2025
She was very understanding and compassionate, and would help me get over carer problems. Always sparkly, she lifted your mood just when you looked at her!
Heather Turnbull
January 4, 2025
When I think of Vanessa, of course I think of purple and sparkles. But also she was probably one of the most stubborn women I ever knew which was one of her strengths. She tackled everything head on and if she believed in something she did not give in. She was very mischievous with a wicked sense of humour. What I think of most is she had a big heart and could light up a room with her smile.

Vanessa you will be sorely missed. xx
Alice Lawson
January 2, 2025
I worked with Vanessa on several conventions, from 2018 and the early planning of 2020 and 2021 to the eventual events that they came to be and all the things inbetween. Few understood the force of will needed to stay the course and be the river to her people that Vanessa always was, and It was an honour to work with her then, and moreso to remain her friend afterwards.

We're going to miss you V, rest assured that anyone bringing up Craft Beer will get everything you promised them...
John Dodd
December 30, 2024
We only knew each other for a very short time, but what shone through was your vivacious personality, kind soul and open heart. It was a privilege. Gemma x
Gemma James
December 29, 2024
I met Vanessa through my sister who worked with her at AIG and because of her love of music. We went to gigs together and I always think of her when I'm at the Roundhouse or at a festival. She had a fierce heart - and fought for what was right and was determined to get herself out there enjoying the things she loved. She never shied away from stuff or made herself small and will always be an inspiration. Vanessa, I hope you've found peace and dancing wherever you are xxx
Luna Dizon
December 28, 2024
I worked with Vanessa for a few years in Croydon at AIG and had some good memories which mainly involved drinks out partying after work which were a few ! lots of fun and laughter. I had the pleasure of going to a gig - to see KatyB at the roundhouse - well I didn’t even know who that was - Vanessa was a very cool and loved to dance - always speaking about her lovely family and girls. Sadly We lost touch when I moved and feel very sad that we did but will always remember those times together and her ability to number crunch her love for data, always smiling and never giving up. X
Sarah kebbell
December 28, 2024
Vanessa, a beautiful soul to never be forgotten. You were there for me when no one else was, and I will never forget the times we spent together. You gave me a lifetime of beautiful memories, and the hearts you touched are forever changed. You departed from this earth but you are still alive in our hearts, and through our memories, you live on.
Fly with the butterflies Vanessa!
To the May family, please accept my heartfelt condolences.
You will forever be in my heart. I love you Ness!
Leah Dergham
December 27, 2024
Venessa was an inspiration to me. She never complained about her problems and helped me cope with my mums dementia with a sense of humour. I will miss our long chats outside her flat in the sunshine. I will miss her.
Bina Kumar
December 23, 2024
Like so many, I first met Vanessa through science fiction conventions and discovered what a formidable woman she was! I guess that’s what I always liked about her. She was also a fan of my art and quite often when producing a new work, I’d think: ‘would Vanessa approve?’ To her I was ‘Trouble’ and she was ‘Oh purple one’! I shall miss our silliness but so glad I got to see her one last time this summer. Rest in peace Vanessa.
Christopher Baker
December 22, 2024
Vanessa will be sorely missed. She was always so wonderful to work with on conventions, and brought experience and wisdom into every conversation. But I will always treasure the memories of her laughter, her enthusiasm and of "tricking" Finnish bar staff into serving her a double when it was officially against the law!
Brian Nisbet
December 21, 2024
I will never forget Vanessa staying with me in London when Kara and Michael got married and the feisty was she got on with life in spite of her disability. She was a great character and deserved to be around to enjoy life to the full for much longer.
Gaynor Cauter
December 20, 2024
Vanessa was a brave woman, kind hearted and generous. A very inspirational humain being. She will be dearly missed.
Axelle Baroni
December 20, 2024
No one who met Vanessa ever half met her. She was a force of nature and a delight.
I knew her through fandom where she was instrumental in supporting fans to make hotels and conventions better places for everyone.
Helena McCallum
December 20, 2024
Despite meeting Vanessa several times, I'm only really just getting to know her through reading this lovely tribute. I will always remember her as warm-hearted, supportive and enthusiastic; every conversation with her no matter how brief, was a moment of joy. She will be missed. Rest In Peace, Vanessa.
Alex Storer
December 20, 2024
Vanessa was so much fun, and such a big part of the convention community. I will never forget singing at her karaokes at Satellite. The fan community will be so much less vibrant without her bright purple hair and her brighter smile. I'll miss you Vanessa.
Claire Cartwright
December 20, 2024
The most amazing client a hairdresser could ask for & a most treasured friend. My Saturday afternoons in the salon will never be the same 💜
Marie Lawford

Service


Please join us to pay a last tribute, where we will escort our beloved Vanessa to a resting place in the natural world she loved so much.

We will come together to remember and pay tribute to her light and life.  And please do wear something purple in her honour.

Your presence would mean a great deal to us during this time of remembrance and reflection.

If you cannot make it on the day, please feel free to view the proceedings using the livestream link attached under virtual event.  Instructions are below.

In lieu of flowers, please see below the opportunity to donate to Medecins sans Frontieres in her honour, one of many charities dear to her heart and to which she was a regular donor for over a decade.

https://www.justgiving.com/page/kara-cauter-1734606569245?utm_medium=FR&utm_source=CL

Instructions for Livestream link:
Please use this link to anyone who you would like to invite to attend the funeral in a virtual capacity through watching via a live webcast. The funeral will only be accessible to view using the unique link above and will be broadcast via the Clandon Wood YouTube Live channel.

When the link is opened the viewer will see the Clandon Wood image and details of the funeral and the time. Please be aware that it can be the case that the funeral proceedings may not commence at the exact time the funeral is scheduled and so do not be concerned if you do not see the live transmission for a few minutes. The funeral service will automatically appear on the screen as soon as it commences.

Also, if anyone viewing wishes to post comments, there is a ‘chat’ facility located to the right of or below the broadcast image, depending on what device is being used to view the funeral, onto which comments can be typed which will be visible to anyone watching the funeral webcast. This facility is only available when watching the webcast live.


Location
Clandon Wood Natural Burial Ground
Epsom Road, West Clandon GU4 7FN
Date/time
10th January 12:00pm
Virtual event
RSVP

Donate to her favourite charity

In honour of our beloved Vanessa May, we invite you to contribute to Medecins Sans Frontieres, a cause that was near and dear to her heart and needed now more than ever with the turmoil in the world. Your generous donation will serve as a meaningful tribute, perpetuating the spirit of Vanessa May by supporting a meaningful cause.

Please copy this link in to your browser to give:  https://www.justgiving.com/page/kara-cauter-1734606569245?utm_medium=FR&utm_source=CL

Together, let us continue the legacy of compassion and kindness that Vanessa embodied throughout their life.
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