Laura Perryman Bethany

I lost part of my heart this morning.

Many of us hope to experience what it means to be loved simply for who we are. Not for what we offer, how we look, or what we do–but just because we exist. My grandmother was one of the people who gave me that. I’ve thought about what I would say when the time comes since I got the call that my angel on earth was ready to go home. Even as I sit in front of this computer trying to type this message, the words escape me. I’ve backspaced an ungodly number of times because nothing feels…good enough.

She was always present–my forever cheerleader. I do not know a Chawanna without Laura Perryman Bethany. All that she wanted for me was genuine happiness. She may not have always understood why her idea of that did not align with mine, but she supported my right to choose it for myself.

She showed her love for me in countless ways. My earliest memory is eating her cream of wheat and buttered toast in the mornings at Mt. Zion Day Care before I went to school. Around 9 or so, I remember her rushing to pick me up when I tried to test my mom’s gangsta. I’m sure she saved my life that day. LOL It was her making the 1,300-mile trek with my uncle Menankh (LeeRoy) to see me graduate from high school. It was all the conversations at the kitchen table, in her room, on the way to doctor’s appointments, and in the garage (because she stayed cold in my house). I learned so much about her history, my family, and life from her.

As I went through her things earlier this week, I found her bill book from 2004. In it, every month, she’d write “Chawanna” on the list because she’d budgeted me into her life every two weeks while I was at Texas Lutheran University. I wouldn’t have made it through without her, and it was only fitting that I walked the stage a day after her birthday. I told her that the degree was hers as much as it was mine. She supported me through the birth of my son and moved in with me to ensure I had childcare while I was teaching and attending graduate school full-time.

My grandmother spent a decade of my adult life in my home, and it was the best gift my children could’ve had. I got to teach someone from the Silent Generation what conscious, gentle parenting was. For the first couple of years, she thought I was crazy, but she got to see what kind of children it could produce, and eventually, she became an advocate. Jeremiah lost his best friend (and enabler lol) today. My heart mourns for him. Laila lost her Koko, who taught her how to bake, showed her how to sew, and called them her "pumpkins." My grandma told me that watching them grow up was one of the highlights of her life, and I believe that. They say having grandchildren gives you a renewed purpose, so I guess it’s a double purpose when the great-grandchildren come along.

I did everything I could to repay her for her devotion, and while I know I would never be able to clear the ledger of unconditional love, I know that my grandmother knew I loved her. I will focus my next several days on planning and closing out her life here in Texas.

For now, I will take this long walk with Grief, who has arrived to take up residence in my heart for a while. 💜🖤