Kathleen (Kat) Brigid Hawkins

I didn't know you well or long, Kat. We linked up online to take down a bad guy like we were in some series on Netflix. The fearless journalist and the dad who found himself neck deep in a string of lies and corruption. I loved talking to you and having someone REALLY listen to my experience, working on our evidence document together and all the little emails that went back and forth. I knew you on and off for around 3 years but in that brief time I found you caring, enthusiastic and a really special person. Thank you.

Dear dear Kat. You were radical in the best ways: radically compassionate, radically loving, radically intelligent, radically caring, radically inclusive. A true artist. Radically holding space for people to be together, to move, to be however they want to be. Truly, no pretence. Standing in the power of the body, its power to heal us, to heal communities.

Every time I was in the room with Kat I learned something important. As a fellow crip with punk limbs I relished sharing our different relationships and thoughts around our prosthetics. There was more there that I wanted to dig into with you. Object Permanence is one of the best shows I have ever seen, it is a blazing and powerful memory for me. Every memory I have of you is somehow deep, even from little dances here and there, moments of crossing paths, as well as the rehearsals, shows, conversations....

I was imagining you for future collaborations, and I was excited to finally get the chance to really make something together.

You made waves in our community, in the world, and I'm grieving the loss of you, your bright spark, and the future beauty you most certainly would have created. I'm sending love to your dear ones and family, in this time of heartbreak.

Kat I hope you know how deeply you touched so many of us, I hope you know how incredible you are. I'm sorry the world was heavy on you. I hope you are free and floating.

We will keep dancing our asses off in your honour. We will keep making space for radical love in your honour.

This week You have eclipsed the sun.

Processing your passing the last weeks has been so so hard because your light and wisdom is such a loss to this planet. The grief is a signifier of the warmth felt in your presence and joy you brought with your laughter and art. The way you shared space and really saw people and held them in your heart was so healing and a privilege to experience.

Meeting you in this lifetime was such a privilege and the loss of you and your embodiment feels like such a tragedy. I know the mycelium are flourishing now holding you within them and you always craved the interconnectedness of it all.

Sending you warmth and nourishment as always Kat . So so so much love for you
This week You have eclipsed the sun

Dearest Kat - its with tears clouding my eyes that I finally add my words.
We had so many moments of connection,you had such a kind heart and perceptive soul.
You helped me accept my 'hidden' disability and live life more fully.
You shared joys and sorrows with such honesty and openess.
Your dance and creativity inspired me. Sadly we never did get to see Confidence Man together.I loved that you wanted to go with me as you said 'I only want to be with people who are full of energy and enthusiasm'.You couldn't have described yourself better !!
We bonded over watching the local foxes and their cubs,good food,great chats,lots of hugs,sharing music.
You 'got' me in a way very few do and I know you felt seen,heard,loved and accepted by me.
You were a force of nature,a loving soul who I'm missing and will always treasure and remember you ❤️

Volleyball training games and training were always so much brighter when you were with us. Shine as bright in the sky as you did in life my friend

I remember first hearing about you entering the friendship group. And the love that that entrance was communicated with preceded your being, you were that love, you brought that out. And you kept bringing that out. You are astounding. The way you always held emotions of all sizes and colours and shapes. Gently when needed, firmly at other times. How you felt feelings enough so I feel braver to feel mine. To live with as much passion, bravery and kindness as you did, that is my dream. You make me be more me. I will love you always and cherish the hole you left in me when you left, for it is shaped like you and I love it.

Oh my beautiful Kat.
Words don’t come close to expressing the kindness you are.
You are everything.
I treasure that I know your deep love and know the most beautiful connection of dancing with you.
Oh my god, dancing with you is my favourite.
I miss you, more than you can dream.
I also love you more than you dream, but I know you know that! And I am so thankful I know your love too.
The deepest, most truly unconditional love that will never run out.
Forever, eternal love my darling.
You are everything.
I love YOU.

I’ll miss you forever.
❤️

Kat, my love, I don’t know how to articulate how I feel about you passing. I’ve been trying but I can’t find the right words to describe the massive gap you’re leaving in my life. If you were here, you’d be the one I wanted to talk to about it, so how do I make sense of it without you?

Because talking was always our thing, wasn’t it? Endless hours of words and thoughts and laughing and learning from each other. That’s what I’ll think about whenever I think about you, which I promise will be often.

I will think about the time we got deep into conversation while waiting to order a taxi and completely forgot to go on a night out for Matt’s birthday. We only realised how much time had passed when everyone else got home and we were still going. I’m not sure we stopped even then, lord knows the wine always made us so much more interesting!

I will think about my favourite conversation, that night at your kitchen table when we spent six hours debating what we’d do if we had balls. We concluded that dangling them in a lukewarm cup of tea would be the best plan. Years later, you came to my hen party wearing a hat you’d made in the shape of a cup of tea, complete with testicles, in honour of that conversation. Your laugh has always been my favourite thing about you, and you put it to good use that night.

I will think about the hours we spent on my balcony in London “freelance working” while actually day drinking beers and going through all the key world issues, putting them to rights (how will I know what to think about anything now without your intelligent, worldly, hilarious input?) Not that it was always that deep, I remember when “face swap” was a thing and we discovered how good we looked as Barack and Michelle Obama.

I’ll think back to uni, and how deeply impactful your illness was on those of us who lived with you, freshly out in the world and unprepared for such fear and trauma. We wanted so much to support you, our bond as a group forever cemented with you at its center. Our brilliant, bold, inspiring girl taken away from us so suddenly. How you then reappeared, walking up eight flights of stairs on your new prosthetics to surprise us all in the flat with a casual “hi guys”. We were so in awe of you that day.

You and I spent hours unpicking that time over the next decade, filling each other in on the missing pieces from both your experience and mine. You didn’t want to be seen as a hero, but you always were to me. So unbelievably brave, particularly in your vulnerability. My god, I’ve always been so proud of you.

But you did sometimes need bringing back down to earth, my love. When you got a bit too cool for round two of our Spice Girls night out, it took some persuading before you eventually relented to having Mel C’s tattoos drawing on you in eyeliner in the toilets of the bar. I’d sprayed my hair red babe, I told you it was time to put some effort in. I won’t share the photos of you “performing” once our song came on…I’ll let people still think you were edgy.

I’ll think about the last time you visited me in Leeds, and cuddled up with Hugo in my spare room. I’m glad you knew that spending the night snuggling in bed with Mellow had inspired me to meet Hugo in the first place. Just another one of the many ways you continued to enrich and expand my world.

I’ll think about how deeply thoughtful and articulate you were at the premiere of your PHD film. How incredibly proud I was of you that night, and how you awed me with your intelligence. I couldn’t always keep up, but I was so very proud just to watch you and be part of it.

I’ll think about the care and thoughtfulness you showed me in your messages since Katie was born. How much you would have loved her and she would have loved you. She will still know you, through everything you taught me and all the ways you made me more thoughtful, empathetic and aware as a person. She will be too, because of you.

I love you so much, Kat. I’m not going to use the past tense because I’ll never stop loving you, and thinking about you, and talking to you. I have been changed by knowing you. I’ll always be grateful. I’m so sorry that life was so incredibly hard. You had to endure much more than anyone should, and you shone so beautifully bright despite it. Rest in peace my darling, I hope reunited with your Mum and free of pain at last.

To the girl with the most beautiful smile,

I still can’t believe you tricked me into thinking you were 28! 😂 When Jeannette told me your real age recently, I was genuinely shocked—but it makes sense because you were always so young at heart.

Although we didn’t know each other for long, in such a short time, you became such an inspiration to me. No matter what you were going through, you always smiled through the pain and never complained, even when your wrist was aching.

Thank you for never giving up on me—for pushing me to go back and demand answers from my doctors, for reminding me that health is wealth, and for showing me that despite health struggles, I can still study. 🎓 I was so stubborn about not doing a degree, but now I’m considering going back—because you inspired me when you said you were doing your PhD.

And of course, I’ll never forget that I can now do a set - thanks to you! 🏐

Most of all, thank you for supporting me, believing in me, and reminding me that I can do it. You will always be remembered with love. 💛

Dearest Kat,
You are loved and always will be.
As we used to say to each other "I miss you".

I will forever cherish the friendship we had and how I was always so grateful and excited to be in connection with you in whatever way.

Thank you for being alongside me on the floor as I contemplated my journey back down.
Thank you for being there.

Your softness, your patience, your humour, your fire, your light. Your fierce, kind, passionate, daring, feeling self. Thank you to all of you.

I hope we get to dance together again one day xxx

Dearest Kat

I will cherish memories of our friendship, of the safety I felt in you, of your soft voice and way with words and ability to talk softly about the hardest things in life and love, of your deep and authentic compassion, of your sauciness and incredible sensuality, of your unapologetic explosive creativity, of your laughter and lightness and of your ability to sit with the hard stuff of life. I love you, so so much and I miss you. I honour you and all that you were and are. See you on the other side beautiful one. I look forward to the party that will be.

Jemima x

Photo of us out together September 2022, having all the fun.

Kat, I will cherish the memories we made smashing balls at sitting volleyball and as dandelions dancing in the wind.

You will forever remain in our hearts until we meet again 🌼.

Kitty Kat. We will miss you forever. Thank you for the memories, the laughter, the smiles, the tippy taps, the grounding, & the finding of freedom.
We will forever be dandelions dancing on the breeze. I love you so much, my lovely one.
I’ll see you on the flip side 🤍

Ft a picture of us at rehearsals & a picture I took of your gorgeous face.